| YOU WIN | YOU LOSE | |
| ME WIN | Win/Win | Win/Lose |
| ME LOSE | Lose/Win | Lose/Lose |
According to Stephen Covey’s book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” there are five ways to resolve a conflict with someone. There are four options in the chart above, plus the option of agreeing to walk away from participating in the argument altogether.
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When you interact with your child, try to find ways in which you can both win. To do this, first find their underlying need. (Keep in mind that “winning” for the parent means setting boundaries against inappropriate behavior.)
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There are times in life when you think it is impossible for you both to win. If one person wants the window open and the other, in the same room, wants it closed, it doesn’t appear as if both people can be happy. But if you try to determine both parties’ underlying needs, you can.
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The first wants the window open to catch a fresh breeze. The second doesn’t want his papers to blow away. A solution could be for the second to use a paperweight.
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Maybe the first is hot and the second is cold. Maybe the second could wear a sweater.
With your child, try to figure out the underlying need.
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If your child wants to drink juice on the couch, try to determine their underlying need. Do they have a need for a comfortable chair? Try putting a comfy chair in the kitchen. Do they want to be where everyone else is? Have people move into the kitchen or put a towel on the couch beneath her. (Don’t do a long negotiation on this, though, and be sure that appropriate limits are set.)
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If your child has a need to yell during play and it hurts your ears, let them go outside to yell.
Perhaps your child hates sitting in the cart during grocery shopping. Maybe their need is to be moving and active. Get your kid a shopping cart so she can walk around. Maybe they are bored. Get them to participate in the shopping. “Would you please put the orange juice in the cart?”
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When they are older, you can brainstorm solutions with them. However, at this age, it is up to you to determine what their needs are.
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Of course, sometimes, they just need to follow our directions for safety reasons or for the sake of the functioning of the family.
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This is tricky as a new parent. It is our job to be aware of the developmental barriers to your child’s understanding and their physical needs. Children are qualitatively different from adults, both emotionally and cognitively. So, we need to meet them where they are and slowly, over the next fifteen years, guide them to adulthood according to their biological and emotional timetable.
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On the other hand, while we must understand their developmental needs, we are also responsible and have to set limits on inappropriate behavior.
